Wednesday, January 18, 2012

Ten Reasons Why Barack Obama Should Be Reelected

1. Your health care will be free. We have modeled our free health care after the efficient systems in Canada and England. Health care is for the healthy and the young. Valuable resources won't be squandered in treating the elderly because they have lived their lives. They just drain our money for Social Security and Medicare anyway. There are big benefits for the sick and elderly in the new healthcare plan. The government will give every elderly person a Yugo. The Healthcare Act Plan says, "Here are some pain pills for you to relax with. Now, “Yugo” take them." 

So, you see, instead of providing expensive medical care for those too old to be productive after getting it, the new national healthcare plan does actually promise prescription coverage for the elderly.

The Eskimos used to set their elderly outside in the winter when they got too old and dependent. Now we can depend on our President’s healthcare plan to do this for us beginning next year.

2. Your housing will be free. You can join one of the Occupy groups and live with your friends on some land that belongs to some 1% Fat Cat. Or, there are lots of vacant houses now. If you don't like the one you live in now, you can just move into one recently vacated on a foreclosure. We can depend on our President and the 1% to pay our mortgages for us. But we may never need one again. The 1% might even be able to get bumper stickers at the Post Office that say, "Honk if I'm paying your mortgage."

3. Your college tuition will be free. Why should you leave your parent's cozy house and struggle to get a grant, or a student loan, or pay tuition when everything will be given to you? He has plans to forgive all student loans. He may even forgive all outstanding loans owed to everyone. It's a fact that Obama has promised students who vote for him this time that they will get a "B" for just showing up in class. It won’t matter if you show up late either. If you don’t like your grades, have something in the file you don’t want anyone to see, or did something embarrassing while in College, he will seal your College records just like he did to his.

4. You won't have to think for yourself. Oh my God, its so hard to make decisions or plans for one's future anymore. We have been able to depend on President Obama for the last three years to provide for and to protect our families better than we can, and we can be assured for four more years that he will continue to provide for us, and make all the important decisions in our lives for us. If he is too busy, or on vacation, someone who works for him will do that for him. That’s the reason that government needs more employees. Besides, it will bring the already low unemployment rate that he brought down even further. What a load off our collective minds. Just trust them. They are here to help you.
5. All your needs will be provided for. Just wait for your monthly government assistance check. As long as there is the 1% to provide for us, and our friends, the Chinese, are there for us, and the government printing presses are well oiled, we will never run out of money. We now know that it’s the 1% against us 99%’ers. As many heard one of us say on Barack's election day in 2008, "I never thought this day would come. I'll never have to work to pay for gasoline again. I'll never have to work to pay my mortgage anymore." He needs four more years to fulfill this campaign promise.

6. There will be no world conflict because we will all get along now. Everybody loves Obama, especially those in the Middle East. Obama needs four more years to finish dismantling our nasty military. Just imagine those Marines urinating on defenseless, dead Taliban. Terrorism has begun to end under Obama’s leadership now that the world knows we are harmless. We no longer have anything to fear. Besides, overseas terrorist attacks don't affect us anyway because we live so far away. He isn’t scary to any other country. That’s reassuring. We saw that when he said, “Please,” when he asked Iran to give our lost airplane back. But, Iran said “Finders, Keepers, Losers, Weepers.” Our President says that everyone should play under the same rules. But, they don’t play fair. Darn.

5. No one will hate America anymore. Everyone knows that the only reason that all of the world hated us before our President was elected was because of George W. Bush. He’s gone, problem solved.

6. You won't have to worry about any more gun violence or crime. There’s still so much to be done under the radar on gun control, just like he told Sarah Brady. Our President is against guns, gun ownership, and is against concealed carry of handguns. But, he really can’t do anything about it right now. He has to have a second term because he doesn’t have to worry about being reelected then. Right after our President was sworn in, his Attorney General said that Obama “has a few things he wants to do with guns.” That included sending a few guns to Mexico so the government could track them. Its all the fault of gun stores that the plan didn’t work. They don’t need to be selling guns anyway. We can hardly wait for his Attorney General’s next crime fighting plan.  We can join Europe in making guns illegal in his second term, just like they do there. They have no crime problems there.

7.  And, of course, free food too. Some people get free food now, but the program will expand, like every good government program, for everyone in his second term. Instead of shopping and having out of pocket food expenses, you will just show up at a government warehouse free super market and take all the free food that you can eat. Just make sure you bring your own biodegradable grocery bags so we don't contribute to global warming.  

He will set it up in his second term where you can just order your groceries over the internet. 
Michelle and the First Family will carefully plan what healthful foods that they will give to you. 
No sodas, frozen fries, hamburgers, or pizza will be available. They will only be available for official White House entertaining when we host the French, or the Iranians after the President makes peace with them to make them jealous of our American food and way of life. This will lead to world peace. 

The free groceries will be delivered by thousands of new unionized government employees hired by this new government agency that will be coming in the second term. The Food Czar will be Vegan, of course. Thousands of jobs will created in  jobs for people who will formulate and enforce rules and regulations for this program. The President has plans to order 750,000 New Chevrolet Volt delivery cars for them to use. This fleet of Food Czar Cars will be visible reminders of the importance of using renewable energy. These cars will never be ordered unless there is a second term because uninformed Republicans think they're jokes, so you see how stupid they are, and important this is. Think of all the job creation under this food program alone. These cars and new jobs will help lower our already low unemployment rate further. However, please, always be thoughtful and courteous and don’t take too much.

8.  The 1% will pay for everything. Need he say more?

9. He may try for a third term

10. Chicks dig Socialists.

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